PAO Surgery Journey
Writing and sharing my inner thoughts with you is cathartic. I’ve always been able to express myself far better in words than speaking. If you’ve ever talked to me you’re probably like “wow, she is awkward….”
So you may roll your eyes, but damnit! I’m going to do this anyway because it makes me feel better.
And boy – do I need a fuckin pick-me-up.
Life has ups and downs. The down times make you feel thankful for the peaks – the roller coaster is what makes life worth living. Lately though, I’ve been losing myself to the troughs.
My surgery is approaching quickly, but not quick enough. The lead up is agony. Not just because of the physical pain, but the limits. I went from doing everything…crossfit, riding jet skis, duathlons, lifting weights, working in the garage, running, bicycles, motorcycles…to nothing. It has been 3 months of nothing and really taking it’s toll. Lost muscle, gained fat, sometimes don’t want to eat at all. Like wow, food is a love of mine and sometimes I just don’t even want to take the effort to eat.
The mental toll is the worst. I’m selling all of the toys I’ve shaped my life around. Sold the GTO last weekend and there is a small hole where those memories and joy of the machine used to lie. Have a pending sale on my last remaining running ski, the crate arrived yesterday and now I have to figure out how the fuck to assemble said crate…
This is totally not true – but it feels like all of the things that made me..me…are slowly going away.
I try to look towards the future, but like I told my husband between the tears, past the surgery it is just blank. Sure there is the vague, oh it’ll get better, I’ll return to my life and be better than ever. Just not much of a tangible thought to grasp on to to pull myself out of the hole.
The realist part of me knows when it comes down to it I will dominate these issues. I can come back better. The PAO surgery often increases quality of life. I’ve been living with these fucked up hips (back, knees…) for 31 years, time for a positive change.
…there is just so much change that my mind is doing a TERRIBLE job at coping. I swing from incredibly positive at my new path, to curling up in a ball and wondering how the hell I can even get out of bed.
Anger motivates me to rise sometimes. One step in front of the other, the red mist descends. It gets me moving, but there are significant downsides. I grip the steering wheel in my car and just scream until my throat is raw. I used to be able to point this aggressive, competitive spirit at working out. At improving my body and mind. That’s gone, for now.
It will get worse. I think the boredom of being by myself, healing at home, is going to be one of my biggest hurdles. Of seeing the things I used to do be so distant.
What hurts me the most though, is I can’t keep my shit together for my husband and my loved ones. I don’t want to be a burden, but in trying to not be a burden I fuck it all up and burden everyone.
Such is life. Buckle up, it’s going to be an interesting ride.
“You could say to the universe this is not fair. And the universe would say: Oh, isn’t it? Sorry.”
― Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times